Red, White, and Polyamorous

backstreet's back

2006-12-19T19:11:00.000-08:00

The autonomous yet polyamorous pornography masterpiece is complete!

he-j and bill r are probably in the car over it right now.

meanwhile the big M and the little p are playing cat and mouse. the cat is winning but a has face that the mouse will prevail. he is scrappy that one.

DOWN WITH A AND THE BLOGGING BAN

2006-12-19T18:24:00.000-08:00

P drinks the wine. Much wine. Bad nerves. Bad. P hates the no blogging rule.

a puts her foot down

2006-12-19T18:19:00.000-08:00

a is not blogging until the end of porn. she hopes that will be soon.

for p's nerves she suggests tea, chamomile. he should come here. she will make him some.

as persons as persons,
a

An Apology to M

2006-12-19T17:27:00.000-08:00

P is shocked at the Big M's appearance! M, please know that The Collective would have welcomed your guest-blogging and that the hacking was utterly unnecessary. We are honored to have you on the blog. After all, even though She-J and A are on a break, P will never break from the great mission of paternalism. As HLS' second tenured female professor, we are humbled by your intellect, and terrified by your testing. A alleged that He-J said you knew nothing about 1983, but P believes in your knowledge and defended your from the evil clerk of Bill R.

THE BIG M

2006-12-19T17:18:00.000-08:00

I AM THE BIG M

i shame the j's with my fortitude of intellectual rigeur (and liqueur for that matter)

i have hacked on to your little blog-o-sphere and i will not be denied my autonomous guest-blogging privileges as persons as persons.

once i was drunk and not wearing a bra, brennan and bill didnt do what i said so i told them to screw themselves. then congress did it for me.

THAT IS ALL.

a p.s. to p: in a's head the big m is an exact replica of incompetenceville's matron c.

Both their names start with "J"

2006-12-19T16:58:00.000-08:00

And they are our guest-bloggers!

She-J: "He-J, do you consider yourself autonomous?"

He-J: "I consider myself autonomous because the Catholic church dictates my actions, and true autonomy comes only from G-d."

She-J: "Yes, but have you explored your autonomy in relation to the vibrations of your car?"

He-J: "Once. With the former Chief Justice."

She-J: "Brennan? I loved him. Like I love everyone. Polyamory!"

He-J: "Brennan? NEVER! He was opposed to vouchers. Vouchers define my existence. I am talking about Bill."

She-J: "Bill R? He is not autonomous. Too much tied to white picket fences, and the ACLU. I am on a break."

He-J: "A break from intellecual legitimacy? Funny, me too!"

Thanks so much to our guestbloggers. J-Squared, it was a pleasure to have you both. Now, just be good to the Collective in the upcoming 20 hours, and we will invite you back. And accord dignity as persons as persons.

Of Poor Spelling and Guest Blogging

2006-12-19T05:22:00.001-08:00

Literacy would be refreshing, A: ". . . by that logic he should probably move to lubbock and start a cessesion movement."

Does she imply in above sentence that P should start a smoking "cessation" movement? Or perhaps a "secession" movement, like the rabble-rousing southerners?

P suddenly finds himself quite concerned about the impending deadline of A's paper.

Oh, and dear readers, get excited! The Collective is bringing a guest blogger to the site today!

of canadians and cotton

2006-12-18T20:47:00.000-08:00

the collective is sorry to report that it does not support its neighbor to the north. this end of the collective does not like it because it is cold and they are all very pale. plus they let the gays get married so there's really not much left to do up there anymore in terms of making fun of the crazies. the other end of the collective is distasteful of their french heritage and i suppose probably of their lack of support for george w bush, but by that logic he should probably move to lubbock and start a cessesion movement.

the canadian, however, was quite right about the cotton and polyester! it tore right through. luckily a has couch cushions that can be turned upsidedown. and as for next time, well there's always duct tape. unless the canadian has something bad to tell us about duct tape next....

Live Free, Die, and Never Have a Cell Phone

2006-12-18T19:23:00.000-08:00

P is suddenly quite curious after the New Hampshire law enforcement community. Are they opposed to (a) the US postal service (which would be quite in line with their anti-government politics) OR; (b) technological advances such as the phone of the celluar (which would be quite in line with their redneck politics).

P is also intrigued by Q's taste for cotton/polyester blend. What is it that Q did?

Finally, P shall have the fiesta of all holiday fiestas on Wednesday. There shall be wine, cider, Janet, Jim, and (most importantly) MARTHA!

o how we writhe

2006-12-18T19:01:00.000-08:00

the pain, the pain, it is almost unbearable.

a is writing about the hegemonic matrix of domination, while p is looking over his reading glasses as he and martha discredit every third opinion of the supreme court.

meanwhile, the new member of the collective master q, developped a taste for cotton/polyester blend this afternoon which made a quite upset.

a meanwhile is once again lost in the technological wilderness, and has recently discovered that the law enforcement officials are holding hostage her cell phone until she returns to the great state of new hampshire. apparently they are getting desperate and lonely up there.

a hopes that p will be throwing a christmas party on wednesday to celebrate good cheer and his fine culinary mastery and the end to the pain for all persons as persons.

The Painful Lives Of The Collective

2006-12-17T18:47:00.000-08:00

In the past two weeks, pain has taken over the daily lives of the Collective. Pain controls for the following reasons:

1. No Cell Phones For Persons as Persons: A's cell phone has been seized by the law enforcement community of the state of New Hampshire. Live Free or Die (Unless you have Verizon).

2. The Law of The Nations: Destroyed P's will to live for some time. It is now over, but the scars remain.

3. Papers by Janet: Grrrrrrrr. We hate those papers.

4. Our Federalism: Though P thinks Martha is wonderful, he has ulcers due to her test.

5. Our Education: A lover of William Rehnquist and vouchers has imposed a horrible event upon A. It ends Wednesday, but it shall be awful.

HOWEVER! One beautiful thing alleviates a great deal of the pain, and his name starts with Q. We thought that he would be the mentee of C-Dog, but we quickly realized that he would become The Mentor. One more member of the Collective, bringing the total to four.

DIGNITY TO PERSONS AS PERSONS!

a has an incompetent trial tomorrow.

2006-10-02T19:51:00.000-07:00

a goes to court tomorrow with the REAL queen of the incompetents, and the most competent woman alive. then a's work in the land of the incompetents will be done (stop hyperventaliting p, you knew it was time!) a wants to move to the beach and learn to surf. not move to the beach and wallow in perpetual pain, which is what happens when she attempts to 'write' things without p's guidance.

the life of the conspiracy

2006-10-02T19:17:00.000-07:00

p is conspiring against a.
it is because of his sexual frustriae.
if he would just recognize
a's innosence of sexicide
all would be better
for now and forever
and the collective could frollic away

Hating A -- We All Should.

2006-10-02T18:28:00.000-07:00

Reasons (Abbreviated) That P Hates A:

1. She lies. "Sexual Relations," my ass.

2. She cheats. NAPSTER was theft my friends - any of you who engaged in the endeavor are THIEVES!

3. She steals. My soul.

4. She does not do my laundry. Not once.

The Life Of The Running

2006-10-01T06:17:00.000-07:00

The running is a terrible thing,
To which A continues to cling.
P began the silly pursuit,
But it is already moot.
C, the dog, likes it fine,
But no more than walking a line.

A New Career For A

2006-09-30T15:12:00.000-07:00

P believes that A has begun to pursue a new career path: namely, one of the outdoors. There appears to be a great deal of the outside in A's life recently. For example, today she picked apples (i.e. paid cold hard cash to do manual labor) and frolicked on a trapeze. Soon, she is going hunting. Seriously. Hunting. A. Hunting. No one is safe in the Arctic, that is for sure (especially oversized ducks).

P, meanwhile and as usual, has nothing to do with the outdoors. He enjoys the Law and the Order on TV, the coffee, the bars, the office of incompetents, and occasionally the Cambridge Common's Caesar Salad.

the life without p (and with animal planet)

2006-09-23T19:26:00.000-07:00

after considering life with the gays
an epiphany has come to a
she will live in manilla
and raise a gorilla
and be happy the rest of her days.

then p will be rid of a's tedum
he shall conquer all countries for freedom.
the world of the facists
will come to the masses
and the children will line up to greet 'um

The Life Of The Keys

2006-09-23T16:14:00.000-07:00

While A was sitting the dog,
And forgetting all about the blog,
She went outside
The keys she did hide.

So the keys were lost,
($6.50 they did cost!)
And P hated A
All the live-long day.

(This is the story of The Collective's past 72 hours. Shame on A.)

And As For P

2006-09-23T15:46:00.000-07:00

He is currently hating everyone, which is quite unusual for him (please see blog description above). Despite his current contentedness about The Life Of The Employment, he accords no respect to anyone as persons as persons, even A. He would love A (and thus accord her the appropriate dignity an autonomous individual deserves) but she refuses to go out on a special quest with him this evening, involving beer and people wearing Prada. Why does she refuse? Because she has an appointment with Mitt Romney. Why does she have an appointment with Mitt Romney? Well, naturally she has contacted Mitt and solicited his support in her polyamorous quest, now that Mr. Jeffs has been detained by the High Lord Of Utahian Justice. Mitt, a bit skeptical, only agreed to meet with A to show his "tolerance" and "interest in bipartisanship."

Meanwhile, in other news, Bob refuses to appreciate P's poetry with the posting of many laudatory comments about his rhyming.

In other other news, The Collective has a new favorite person in the world of the incompetents. The young lady apparently likes to run (and thus A loves her) and she also seems quite competent (and thus P loves her). They applaud her running competence, and hope that she disdains The Mitt as much as they do.

and as for a:

2006-09-23T07:43:00.000-07:00

she needs to decide between the following life-plan options:

1. devote her life to complete and utter uselessness.

2. work around the clock for a branch of the man entitled "you are the man, but we are giving you a warm and fuzzy title so as to make us feel better and you feel better."

3. indulge herself in the writing of treatises about the gays that will only be read by the gay scholars.

4. go on a spirit quest walk-about in the out back and never return.

people who love p:

2006-09-23T07:33:00.000-07:00

1. the hands of justice. p's irreverency and nepotism have earned him a spot as the lord high chief justice of next year.

2. bob, despite the fact that he never displayed any gratitude for p's poetic genius. bob is still in the shock and awe phase of his appreciation for p's life-day poetry and may be able to respond in the future.

3. his flock. they missed him.

take the blue pill!

2006-09-17T17:16:00.000-07:00

why would anyone ever take the red?

except of course p. but you should not trust the boy with the electrical cords in his mouth.

No Love For His Poetry

2006-09-17T13:25:00.000-07:00

P got no love from A for his poetry. Which makes him sad. And thus in need of the Electrocuting Gum. And thus in need of a discussion of the HALTT Thesis Of The Gum Chewing's Replacement Activity. (HALTT by the way, stands for HUNGRY ANGRY LONELY TIRED THIRSTY! It is the motto of the gum company, or some such entity.)

Most importantly, did anyone watch Meet the Press this AM? The Virginia Senate race is weird -- it's like: "Who Is Less Racist? We Should Elect That Person, I Suppose."

P accords no dignity to The Waiters As Persons As Persons.

of blogging and cheesecake

2006-09-17T13:19:00.000-07:00

p is kind of a binge-blogger, apparently. we should all join together to help him achieve a better blogging balance in his life. that and the gum: we should join together in support of the electric-wire gum.

a and p had an exploratory yuppie morning, but apparently were not high enough quality to attain the respect of the yuppie service staff establishment. indeed, the collective was treated like a small leper colony stranded in a sea of lunch-sized salads and frozen drinks, both fruity and coffee in flavor.

still, the collective perservered. and celebrated the sunshine, the overpriced tv shows, and, as always, their complete lack of autonomy as persons as persons.

and last but not least a would like to draw attention to the keylime cheesecake. let us all toast to the cheesecake and its portending (portension? portensiousness? (some help here pinkopunko?)) of p's great success.

The Politics And The Basketball, Always Banned.

2006-09-16T15:14:00.000-07:00

P still despises A, currently for her ban on discussion of politics and basketball. P would like to write about the recent primary election in Maryland, and the upcoming primary in the Arctic. However, P knows that A would emotionally abuse him if he talked about those things.

Moreover, P would like to have a diatribe about basketball. About Missouri, and UNC, and Roy, and Kansas State, and Bradley, and Bucknell, and stupid stupid Bruce Weber. However, P knows that A would protest such a diatribe via much mocking.

A Poem About The Birth Of Life

2006-09-16T15:11:00.000-07:00

There once was a boy named Bob
Who loved the corn on the cob.
His birthday was today
And The Collective would like to say:

FELIZ NAVIDAD!

A Poem About The Life Of Employment

2006-09-16T15:10:00.000-07:00

There once was a lady named A,
And she wanted to go and to play,
With a certain special chick
Who helped the gays click
in holy matrimony.

So she must email the chick
And then make the chick pick
Her for a job
And with happiness sob.

But if she keeps being so lazy,
And so inexplicably crazy,
The lady will think of another
Perhaps even Mitt Romney's brother!

The Unhappiness Of The Life Of Gum

2006-09-16T14:28:00.000-07:00

P is extremely unhappy, and A is not comforting him. He has began a long and terrible process, involving gum, hating everyone, and violent outbursts. He is going on 17 hours, and it is the worst experience of his life. And still, A is nowhere to be found.

Meanwhile, on the newfangled television in P's cave, he is watching trashy america's-most-wanted-esque shows on Court TV. This is only because there is no more law and order on, and the aforementioned gum makes him immobile.

Hating A,
P

we blog! (at least one of us does)

2006-09-13T19:47:00.000-07:00

a apologizes for p, and his lack of blogging prowess. it is because 1. he is in the middle of a long slow death by the cancer stick. 2. he is stressed because the hands of justice will be ruling on his worthiness tomorrow between 12 and 4 pm. 3. he is is the great grand czar this year, and the power maay have gone to his head.

but do not fear. a will never falter (except while wearing heels) and she will never fail (except while "reading", "writing" or "thinking".)

yes, dear readers, a is hear to answer your queries and respond to your concerns. she is a 24 hour blogging hotline of sorts. she also has the tivo now, which means she is available for constant commentary on all reality television shows and lifetime original movies as requested.

special shouts out to:

pinko punko - you know you can't stay away. the collective (at least this half) will tirelessly work to regain your trust.

the wizard of the summer - i would like to add lots of healthy things to the communal list. and then eat only ice cream for the week. also i am in baseball mourning but otherwise would be on a plane right now. also COMMENT ON MY BLOG and you will hear back from me.

THE RULES

2006-09-10T12:33:00.000-07:00

p has forgotten some of the rules of blogging over this the summer of blogging illegitimacy and irresponsibility. a will take a moment to refresh:

1. always name your blog post. while the concepts and imagry of r,w,&p are delicious and wonderful, that name should only be put on blog posts that are of stellar quality and life-changing import.

2. always include something offensive to the christians, beyond just a mention of polyamory. at least include some gay sex or a gentle ribbing of pat robertson. (preferably a mention of pat robertson having the gay sex)

3. always include something offensive to the liberals. while the nantucket red comes close in most parts of the country, it does not suffice in the haven of liberal snobbery where a & p abide and the poloshopping masses assail the administration on behalf of the poor and the middleclass while staying far far away from anyone who has ever taken the bus and/or recycled cans for the monetary rather than environmental value.

4. end every blog post with a pathetic plea for comments and/or love and/or attention.

and with that, dear readers, please comment on us, love us and attend to us. amen.

A Lives!

2006-09-10T11:59:00.000-07:00

The AP Collective has returned to the land of cold and no salt-and-vinegar. In light of said return, the Collective has reinstituted regular blogging. A, the inferior member of the Collective, informs P that he has no blogging legitimacy. P strongly disagrees, and contends that as a result of the arrest of Warren Jeffs, that terrible man of oppression, The Collective can return to its job as the preeminent evangelists of polyamory.

The summer-of-no-blogging was a terrible one for all parties to the Collective. A was nearly fired from her position as a Corporate Executive (due mostly to her concubine-like appearance) and P nearly dropped out of law school in order to pursue his dream of wearing nantucket red pants 7 days a week throughout various bars of the Georgetown area. However, in the end, both finished their employment successfully, and P returned to executively direct the land of the incompetents. A, meanwhile, returned to settle the lawsuit of the Incompetent.

In conclusion, The Collective returns better (and more offensive) than ever.

summer of fun for a and p

2006-05-30T06:35:00.000-07:00

a eats very well.

p packs peanut butter and jelly.

a stares at her fingernails.

p writes florid prose about Truth and Justice.

a wears innappropriate outfits that make her look like an arabian concubine.

p wears only the finest in mens wear, with perhaps a flash of purple.

a and p are happy and safe, but they miss eachother. and their adoring public.

EARTH TO P:

2006-05-12T11:35:00.000-07:00

a is drowning. she needs more blogging.

is it constitutional for god to bless us?

2006-05-12T10:42:00.000-07:00

i am so confused...

a has now incoherently deconstructed the constitution.

2006-05-12T10:13:00.000-07:00

her creation is quite dadaist.

now she is sulkily considering returning to the real world for a quesiton numbering 1.

first she will go buy a & w.

this still hurts.

P was going along great

2006-05-12T09:18:00.000-07:00

And is suddenly feeling stupid and very very screwed.

fucking martha

2006-05-12T08:47:00.000-07:00

the drivel continues.

this hurts.

P disagrees STRONGLY

2006-05-12T07:46:00.000-07:00

with A's starting over. Finish, no redo. End, no continue. Kill, no resussitate (sp?). Terminate it.

Martha will be proud irregardless (she would probably use the word irregardless too).

a's starting over.

2006-05-12T07:24:00.000-07:00

from scratch. perhaps she will just ignore the assignment at hand and draft her own constitution.

at this rate she will be done at some point midday tuesday.

P wants to turn the exam in at noon

2006-05-12T06:56:00.000-07:00

Is such a thing allowed under the Constitution?

P misses the blog.

No Due Process

2006-05-12T06:44:00.000-07:00

For anyone except children.

Advice to P:

2006-05-12T06:33:00.000-07:00

go out with a bang.

"Today there are no unenumerated rights. Only liberty interests that are subject only to rational basis review."

Red, White, and Polyamorous

2006-05-12T06:11:00.000-07:00

I want to kill someone. I am in a HUGE predictament. Do I write what I want, or what the liberal lady desires? Moreover, must I consider the actual votes on the Court when writing a dissent, or just babble about what I want?!?!?!

Ahhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!

TODAY THE BLOG LIVES!

2006-05-12T06:05:00.000-07:00

And the constitution may die.

TODAY THE BLOG LIVES!

2006-05-12T06:04:00.000-07:00

And the constitution may die.

the children will be saved!

2006-02-16T14:48:00.000-08:00

as we speak, a and p are saving the children. just by sitting in class. amazing what modern technology can do, isnt it?

the man is speaking of a program whereby nurses essentially become bossy and tell the real parents what to do. p likes this program because it involves not letting people make their own decisions. a likes this program because it involves delegitimizing the so-called "family unit". and i suppose both like it because it means the children will be saved.

a is happy for p and his powdered gatorade, but just a little jealous because of the absolute dearth of a&w. she thinks it is a conspiracy. she notes also that it is quite suspicious that p's beloved, and formerly absent, gummy raspberries are all of a sudden plentiful. she thinks this is a conspiracy. has p made an elicit deal with a shady source? perhaps the young bureacrat? or, even more frightening, is jack abramoff back?

State Bureaucrats Love P

2006-02-16T07:32:00.000-08:00

P has spent all morning on the phone with state bureaucrats involved in chasing down deadbeat dads and putting them in jail for not paying their child support. The bureaucrats tend to be useless; P believes (strongly) that many of them are deadbeat dads themselves, considering how ineffectual they can be in actually getting anything done.

That said, P finally had success with the bureaucracy of the Commonwealth Run By The Mormon. He got Raymond* on the phone. Raymond -- within 40 minutes, mind you, a record for government employees -- had $1400 released from a "mandatory 45 day holding pattern" (I am serious), and is working on finding another $1200. Cheers to Raymond, children, and fathers who father their children!

On an even happier note, P found powdered gatorade at the supermarket yesterday; for 6 weeks, they had been out of the powdered gatorade (both lemon-lime and Glacier Ice!), and it had been a bad 6 weeks. P refuses to drink pre-made Gatorade; it must be powdered, just like corn beef hash must smell like dogfood and come out of a colorful can.

*All names have been changed to protect the innocent; Head Bureaucrats DO NOT approve of effective and productive underlings.

accusations are flying

2006-02-14T08:57:00.000-08:00

a has recently been accused (by an undisclosed member of the collective) of neglecting her blogging responsibilities. she takes great offense, and hereby recommits herself to the blog and all it stands for.

also, her new least favorite expression is "a lot of holes are poked in that bubblegum". those words, in any combination in the same sentence, are hereby banned from being uttered in her earshot (or blogosphere-shot as it were).

Cursing In Class, Over A Microphone, Does Not Make You Cool

2006-02-14T08:53:00.000-08:00

Some people in law school (students mostly but, indeed, some ConstitutionalProfessors) seem to think that you if use a curse word in class, that you are then irreverently hip and worthy of respect as a non-conformist intellectual.

You are not. Unless it is the word "skank."

flowers and butterflys and cinnamon hearts

2006-02-14T08:38:00.000-08:00

v-day is, of course, the collectives very favorite holiday as they can frolic far and wide sharing their vast polyamorous love. but not with their con law professor. she has spent the first half of the class doing a dramatic cover-to-cover reading of the constitution. and is now inviting comments about her love for terrorists who hate slavery. she gets no love, but still dignity as she is the single-handed savior of incompetenceville.

meanwhile, a is trying to remain strong and not be baited into a complex analysis of grey's anatomy. she knows that the vast majority of of the collective's readership might appreciate this even less than p's sports-betting-blogging. so for now, she will jsut say, that she was very dissapointed that more people did not die. and that more people didnt think other people were dead. and that christina ricci didnt hop in bed with the cute little man with the messy hair.

a and p wish you all a very happy and polyamorous day. and hope that no one is shot with a duck-hunting gun. unless you're into that kind of thing, i guess...

Career Choices 101

2006-02-13T13:02:00.000-08:00

The Collective is now done with Constitutional Law, which is good.

The Collective has now arrived in Federal Income Taxation, which is not good. In fact, it is worse than Constitutional Law With The Left.

Now, based on their apparent career choices, one might be surprised that The Collective is so unhappy in Federal Income Taxation. To begin with, A sold her soul to a large law firm. She is sure that large law firms do a lot of work on very boring things like Taxation. Thus, if she is to not hate her life, she must love Taxation.

P, arguably, has even more of an incentive to enjoy Federal Income Taxation, since he is working (for all intents and purposes) for the IRS. P thought he was working for Truth, Justice, and The American Way. He was wrong. He is actually working on achieving horizontal and vertical equity for the units of taxation times the rate of the married filing jointly base plus the deduction of the children.

The Professor of the Taxation kind of looks like she is from the Jersey shore. That was entertaining for the first few classes. It is no longer entertaining, due to her obsession with the concept (never defined) of "equity in the tax system."

Hate the Tax. No dignity.

and speaking of guns and fly-fishing....

2006-02-13T08:22:00.000-08:00

one half of the collective (you can probably guess which) finds it quite gleeful that our supreme dictator, i mean, vice president, recently shot someone by accident with a duck-hunting gun. oops, dick.

a also hates the french, but for different reasons than p. and she finds kennedy quite delightful. it is fun when a supreme court justice gets to pretend that he has never read a single supreme court case not to mention a federal law or the constitution, and can just make up broad sweeping statements about the french and humanity that no one quite comprehends, including kennedy, j.

Justice Kennedy or Justice Sandy?

2006-02-13T08:15:00.000-08:00

The Collective is sitting in Constitutional Law, discussing some vague and meaningless case about guns and schools. But P has found an important question latent within this case: Who is (a) stupider and (b) more annoying, Sandra Day O'Connor or Anthony Kennedy?

Now, obviously neither is as awful as Souter, J., enraging. But it is a tough call.

P's opinion is as follows:

(a) O'Connor is stupider. Muy stupider.
(b) Kennedy is more annoying, because he loves the French. Loves them. It is slightly annoying how much Sandy likes to fly-fish (because women should not do such things), but not nearly as annoying as worshipping at the altar of Jacques.

Red, White, and Polyamorous

2006-02-12T09:05:00.000-08:00

The Collective's party was a huge success, even though the keg was empty by 1AM. Sigh.

P did not get too drunk, but was appropriately tipsy and, thus, ebullient. (He didn't get too drunk, most likely, because there was no beer left in the keg.)

A did not drink too much too fast, but potentially had her car towed by the Mormon. As always, the Mormon Banker is accorded no dignity as persons as persons.

P's bathroom is not pretty. Someone (we don't know who, but the investigation is underway) got sick in it. It is foul, and P is not happy.

A met P's friend, who P thinks looks like a J. Crew model. A disagreed. This confirms the fact that The Collective, while united in many things, have vastly different tastes.

P was not good to his lungs. At all. They are mad this morning.

P has to go Czar. And hang out with The Boy.

Oh, let us mention the outside world: The Collective lives in the Arctic. P misses Baltimore.

the night approaches

2006-02-11T15:49:00.000-08:00

the collective has purchased large quantities of alcohol, including not only a box, but also a jug of wine. a is very excited about the jug. she plans on sitting on the couch with it and a fake kentucky accent until she is drunk. this process will take approximately 5.5 minutes as she is incapable of "sipping" beverages of any kind.

a has a new affliction, it is because of an illadvised excursion she took today. the excursion lasted for four hours and left her unable to breathe out of her left lung. it is quite difficult to breathe out of only your right lung. a feat she has not quite mastered which occasionally results in coughing spasms.

not to worry, the jug of wine will cure all afflictions. not to mention the bread pudding. and then there's always muscle relaxants.

meanwhile, a has brought her snowshoes. they are made of cow tendon of some sort and were construced in 1933 by some alaskan youths in a sweatshop somewhere.

ok, p is begging a to come help him destroy his lungs. she hopes they will go one at a time and she can teach him about the one-lunged breathing which she will have mastered by that time.

up up and away!

Tonight Is The End...

2006-02-11T13:38:00.000-08:00

Winter, they say, is arriving tonight. In a big, awful, white Nor'Easter. With slush. And ice. And street fights over parking spots.

Ahh, but before that, we will enjoy ourselves. The Collective is throwing a party this evening; there will be a keg, much liquor, and probably boxes of wine. P will buy good liquor (Knob Creek bourbon, probably) and hide it from the pedestrians. A will drink too much too fast, and fall in love (once again) with her Superior at Incompetenceville. P will undoubtedly get into a fight with The Boy. A will get caught into an excrutiating conversation with someone that P promised not to invite. The Pope will be there; he will not be wearing his hat. P's roommates, brillant couple that they are, will most likely write a treatise that comes close in quality to the Treatise On The Domestic Violence Victims that the Collective wrote about a month ago.

Walt Whitman, Pinko Punko, The Reverend, and Mitts Knitts will all be sorely missed. (And you will all miss the Franzia, I'm sure.)

2006-02-09T17:07:00.000-08:00

THINGS P HATES ABOUT THE STATE RUN BY THE MORMON:

1. There are essentially no salt and vinegar chips in the Commonwealth, let alone S&V pringles. I live a deprived life.

2. The ethnic food blows. (NB: Italian food should not be characterized as ethnic.)

3. The public transportation system, obviously.

4. Law school.

5. The hellish, hellish cold.

The thing P loves the most: his computer, which is fixed, after 2 months in CompUSARepairville.

P Is Back!

2006-02-09T07:58:00.000-08:00

In so many ways...he has no afflictions (which are excellent things not to have). He accords dignity to persons as persons. He Czars. He drinks. He smiles. He speaks too loudly into cellphones. He gives The Boy a lot of shit. He raves about Israel. He rants about Chuck Hagel. All is well.

Mostly due to A's support. Cheers A!

where are our fans?

2006-02-08T10:19:00.000-08:00

we miss our adoring public. but we understand that they are lacking in confidence in us because we have faltered. yes, friends, we have faltered, but we have not failed.

let me give you some reasons for our faltering:

1. p's czar job is proving to require more than he even imagined. the boy works non-stop, is constantly dodging sabatoge by would-be czars, has been barraged by accusations of callousness, sadomasachism and racism. he is meanwhile making friends with very important people, including the queen mum of incompetenceville who will probably land him squarely in clerkship heaven.

2. a and p both have imaginary afflictions. a's affliction is imaginary in that she invented for the sake of compensating for her lack of afflictions. p's affliction is a result mostly of google, faulty logic, and his misguided faith in ronald regan. unfortunately afflictions, even imaginary ones, are quite pesky and difficult to be rid of.

3. a and p cannot fathom why they have decided to take taxation. p feels cheated because they have not yet been taught how to file their taxes. a feels cheated because their proffesor is not a small indian woman. as an analogy, imagine if your teachers name was "mr. rogers" and she turned out to be a large and daunting 34-year-old russian woman rather than the friendly but docile middle-aged man with sweaters and happy songs that you were expecting.

4. now a must go, because of a man who may soon get arrested and in addition has an internal clock that seems to run 47 minutes early.

5. but this list is to be continued. and remember: the collective will never say die!

Constitutional Law With The Left

2006-02-01T11:31:00.000-08:00

A&P are in the same constitutional law course this semester. It is kind of boring and P does not like it. The only notable thing from today's class was the professor's analogizing of Osama bin Laden to George Washington.

Freedom fighters unite?

2006-01-31T06:22:00.000-08:00

24 was badass last night. I am dying to know who is going to come back next week (from Scenes from the Next). I think it might be Cherry Palmer...which would be awesome. See, I have always said that she never died when she was shot. Or it could be Nina...hell, Jack faked his death - why can't she?? We shall find out next week.

The Collective Vacation (all 36 hours of it) was great. The Collective skiied, drank wine, drank non-alcoholic beer, vomited (not from the wine...and not from the non-alcoholic beer), and hung out with extreme skiiers. The extreme skiiers are cool. The Collective's association with them makes the Collective cool.

Justice Alito, Welcome to the Court.

lessons of the weekend:

2006-01-30T20:05:00.001-08:00

1. vacations are fun! (who knew?!)

2. a & p have a penchant for meeting friendly foreign people while traveling up the sides of mountains.

3. a has a penchant for nearly dying and therefore scaring p half to death.

4. technology continues to have a penchant for exploding at inconvenient times. especially when it is vomited upon (as is the case with a's phone).

4(a). # 4 is proof of the vast anti-polyamoroust conspiracy against the collective.

5. a is basically an extreme skiier, and p is basically a race car driver.

6. c is the most beautiful creature on the face of the planet.

Silly Students, Dignity is for Republicans!

2006-01-27T06:29:00.000-08:00

After a semester of pounding it into their heads, one student remembered -- alas, only one.

THE EQUAL BASIC LIBERTY PRINCIPLE AND THE DIFFERENCE PRINCIPLE ARE NOT THE WHOLE KITANDCABOODLE. RAWLS HAS A THIRD PRINCIPLE; IN FACT, IT IS PRIOR IN ORDER TO THE DIFFERENCE PRINCIPLE. PAY ATTENTION TO IT -- EQUAL OPPORTUNITY PRINCIPLE.

I said the above approximately 18 times a class. And one student heard me. A for him.

To the rest of you...dignity, I suppose.

Vacation Begins at 6PM!

2006-01-27T06:00:00.001-08:00

1. P has 3 (count 'em, three!) undergraduate exams left to grade before he retires (permanently) from teaching. If he has to read any more babbling crap about Kant, Rawls, and Aristotle from Biology majors, he will go postal.

2. There is such a thing as vacation. The Collective is going on vacation (together!) today. Or, rather, tonight. But they are going skiing in the Arctic, with The Mormon Governor and Howard Dean -- what a trip!

3. P needs a PA -- personal assistant -- today. P thinks The Collective should join together (i.e. A should be today's PA). But A is nowhere to be found. Sad P.

lessons of the week:

2006-01-26T17:58:00.000-08:00

1. doctors dont take well to writing joint prescriptions to co-dependent people (just one of the many instances of discrimination that the a-p collective faces for their lifestyle choices)

2. non-english-speaking people don't generally read in english either.

3. evil excel spreadsheets are trying to take over p's life.

4. there is no such thing as "vacation."

Weird NYT Throwaway Lines

2006-01-23T11:20:00.000-08:00

On NY's future Lt. Governor (i.e. Spitzer's choice):

"Mr. Paterson, 51, also has a personal history that may intrigue voters: He is legally blind, born with no sight in his left eye and severely limited vision in his right. . . . He has also become a master of legislative politics DESPITE BEING UNABLE TO READ THE BODY LANGUAGE OF HIS RIVALS, an art form in Albany."

why a is not done:

2006-01-23T10:36:00.000-08:00

1. because she had to take some time to fume about p's breaking of her rule about states below mason-dixon and west of the mississippi.

2. because it takes a long time to create a timeless masterpiece. ask walt.

P wonders...

2006-01-23T10:12:00.000-08:00

Why the hell A is not done with "The Gays 101" final exam yet?

P thinks...

2006-01-23T09:58:00.000-08:00

He is being stalked, by Maber.

P did not even know that Maber had a blog, and now Maber is yelling at the Collective for speaking in tongue.

P thinks that Maber needs to call him, so P can rant about Kansas and rave about Carolina's loss...

and speaking of identifiably liberal...

2006-01-23T09:50:00.000-08:00

a wonders if p has seen this mornings local newspaper column written by their spritely soon-to-be professor of the founding fathers?

Lawyers for a Summer

2006-01-23T09:36:00.000-08:00

P is pouring through applications from the world's do-gooders. They are all liberal. Sigh.

Why can't there be more ideologically-undefinable individuals out there????

a cannot stop staring at the snow

2006-01-23T09:06:00.000-08:00

she would like to hear tales of the anger, insanity and passive-aggressiveness that p faces. especially since she thinks they would help her hone her comprehensive treatise on the need for rampant sex. (passive-aggressiveness obviously being a result of sexual repression.)

she would also like a visit from the a&w fairy.

Snowing Like Hell...

2006-01-23T08:37:00.000-08:00

P has become absorbed in Excel spreadsheets. He is trying to accomplish the task of scheduling 32 people for one hour a piece into 40 hours -- such a task is mathematically impossible, P thinks.

much progress

2006-01-23T08:02:00.000-08:00

a will excuse the boy for his insubordination since he is from the southland, and probably was confused about the difference between new england and alaska. incidentally, the southland (at least the bible-thumping parts) are hereby banished to alaska.

meanwhile, a is currently making a very coherent argument that all people should fulfill their true destinies of rampant sex. like bonobos. (pinko, could you google and spellcheck that for me?)

A Must Get To Work

2006-01-23T07:56:00.000-08:00

Or P fears she will fail "The Gays 101."

P is working at Incompentenceville today, in his first psuedo-official day as the new Czar. Things are collapsing as he writes -- angry people, insane clients, and passive-aggressiveness reign.

The Boy does wear UGG boots. Despicable.

a needs help. (admitting you need help is the first step, right?)

2006-01-23T06:45:00.000-08:00

a has self-diagnosed herself with ADD. it is unfortunate that she waited until she was one hour in to a eight hour examination that she has done that. also unfortunate that she spent the aforementioned hour reading the a-p blog in its entirety and researching ADD.

ok, with or without ritalin, it is TO WORK!

a's grr's

2006-01-22T14:10:00.000-08:00

a grrs about being expected to "work" and "learn" and about the fact that napping, which she has just spent the last two hours doing, does not count as either "working" or "learning".

she also ammends her statement about people who wear uggs. only people who wear the ridiculously high, ridiculously thick boot-types with tassles that flap all around are banned to alaska. unless of course the individual in question is native american and fashioned them himself with the deerhide he recently acquired. in which case they are not really uggs at all, but rather kick-ass native american hunting boots.

(to the boy: does that render you safe from exile?)

2 Things To Grr About

2006-01-22T06:54:00.000-08:00

1. The medicine P is on does not allow him to drink alcohol for 2 weeks. Awful. Arguably worse, the medicine makes P eat 3 meals a day. P likes to drink and does not particularly like to eat. P does not like this medicine.

2. 24 is only on once a week...which means there is not enough Jack Bauer to go around...

a is hard at work

2006-01-21T15:29:00.000-08:00

a has an examination on monday that involves learning things about the constitution. after much studiousness, she has decided that the constitution, like science and biology, is a bunch of shit and should be accorded no dignity.

this may be the first time that she and the bush administration have ever agreed about anything. ever. actually, she agrees them about drilling in alaska too. mostly because alaska is too cold for her. she thinks we should move all the factories there too. and the mormons. and people who wear ugs. and all the feta cheese.

happy happy day

2006-01-21T07:38:00.000-08:00

a's baby is back. after a long and arduous journey, the little bundle of joy (or wires and plastic if you want to be literal about it) has arrived. it is as beautiful as she remembers. the czarstress will spend the morning cuddling with it. in addition to being a domestic diva, a is quite a nurturer.

the czar will spend his morning recovering from the abramoff cult. he is in the twitching/frothing at the mouth stage of recovery. it's not pretty, but he is slowly coming out of his gop-money induced stupor. as an additional obstacle, p must recover from his lack-of-beer hangover. he has an evil doctor who is not only unacceptably unreachable at 2 o'clock in the morning, but also has saddled him with a horrid concoction that would make him violently ill should he resume his functional alcoholism.

later they will plot their take-over of the universe (otherwise known as "scheduling".) this will of course involve lots of scribbling, wild gesticulations, and cackling. stay tuned.

The End of Abramoff 101

2006-01-21T07:04:00.000-08:00

P has ended his nightmarish course that has absorbed the last three weeks of his life and temporarily terminated his dedication to the blogosphere. In his final test in the course, he prosecuted a murder trial. The defendant was acquitted on 1st and 2nd degree murder charges as well as on manslaughter.

Sigh...another thug goes free.

Meanwhile, P (in his role as Czar) must spend the day scheduling the lives of 30+ individuals for the next 4 months. A is one of those individuals whose life P must schedule...but P thinks that A will have a say in the decisions made.

P is quite happy with the Iraqi election results. He loves to see this burgeoning democracy in the heart of the middle east. Let human rights, purple thumbs, and American military occupation reign.

a's appendix

2006-01-19T19:52:00.000-08:00

(no, not the useless organ, the other kind)

1. a would like some credit for coaxing p from the jaws of the abramoff cult. it was close, too close. it was only through her heroic stunts, including the milk-drinking extravaganza, that she was able to bring p out. now she will nurse him back to health. she continues to demand congressional investigation and cannot begin to understand why her demands have not been met. ted kennedy where are you!?

2. of course it is only because of the man with the sunglasses listens to pink floyd and doing large amounts of drugs that he was able to see through the right-wing cover of the a-p treatise to the radical left-wing propaganda that it actually contained (when read backwards and upside-down). she thinks that the mozart-listening pipe-smoking (no, not that kind) tweed-wearing readership of the yale law journal cannot appreciate the true genius of their work. she therefore suggests another publication: journal of the beatnick hippies, for example. perhaps she could bribe them with the a-p paper for the return of a's computer, which they are apparently using to spread the word about sticking it to the man. long live la revelucion! (no, pinko, you cannot attack my spelling in EITHER spanish or english. or spanglish for that matter. or cantonese).

much love and dignity to all. good night.

WE ARE BACK! Apologies and Dignity

2006-01-19T19:31:00.000-08:00

There is much explaining to do. Many things will be explained later, but here are some brief thoughts:

1. A has been AWOL because she drank a gallon of milk in one hour. (This is biologically impossible.) A accomplished the medical impossibility and did not throw up -- proving P's longstanding belief that doctors and science are all a bunch of shit.

2. P has been enrolled in the aforementioned Abramoff Cult for the last 3 weeks. It ends tomorrow, with a demonstration of how to lie before a grand jury and then plead guilty and take down the GOP establishment with you. He will return to blogging -- and in full force -- tomorrow or Saturday.

3. A's computer is still dead-dead. It was supposed to be returned by the Beatniks of Apple some 3 weeks ago, but it has not.

4. P has been otherwise preoccupied as well -- the basketball fiascos (banned from conversation), The Boy, TIVO-ed CSpan segments of the Alito hearings, and The Abramoff.

5. Finally, do our loyal readers remember the Treatise written so psychotically after New Years? We know one reader, Walt Whitman, certainly remembers those days. Well, A&P wrote one hell of a paper -- if insanely right wing, radical, and paternalistic. They got their (excellent) grade back today. P is pushing that the Treatise be published, ideally in The Yale Law Journal. Stanford Law Review contacted The Collective about publication today, but we are holding out for something better.

We know that we have been missed, and we promise that our long absence will be made up for shortly. But please know, above all, that we still accord dignity to you all, as person as persons. And we still accord dignity to blogging -- as blogging as blogging.

--The Czar and the Czarina

The Czar Speaks

2006-01-09T18:44:00.000-08:00

As A has nicely pointed out, P has been elected Czar of "Incompetenceville" -- the only place that would ever be foolish enough to elect P Czar. His first exercise of his powers came in his decision to skip the last two hours of Jack Abramoff's cult course.

(NB: P also gave his first competent cross-examination today: "Mr. Simmons, on your direct examination, you said your wife was, quote, 'a severe alcoholic who poses a danger to [the child].' You left your wife and the child in October. Did you file for custody in October?" "No." "In November?" "No." "December?" "No." "January?" "No." "February." "No." etc until August)

Now, P sits at home with the puppy, drinking a beer, blogging. Happiness reigns across the Collective.

hereye hereye

2006-01-08T21:47:00.000-08:00

let it be known throughout the land: p is the new czar of incompetenceville. which makes a the czaress. or the czarlette, depending on what shes going for on that particular day. as p's first official act, he went drinking with his loyal subjects. as a's first official act she ran away to the supermarket. this demonstrates p's alcoholism and a's antisociality and love of supermarket checkout lines, as well as the game show "supermarket sweep". as p's second official act he will probably announce that all heterosexual men are henceforth presumed guilty of abusing all women, elderly people and puppy dogs that they come into contact with unless they can provide positive proof to the contrary.

oh, and a and p have decided to contract for a baby boy of african-american descent. this will of course involve the ousting of the current czar of the basement, but p is on a roll, what can't he do?

a new czar shall reign

2006-01-08T12:50:00.000-08:00

a would first of all like to point out that p has already broken a's rule number 2 from her last post. if she sees the names of any states west of the mississippi or the mysterious words "rock chalk" again in this blog she will probably throw a tempertantrum. blogging tempertantrums are ugly ugly things. she hopes that dignity can be restored within the collective, and she will not have to resort to such ugliness.

a, however, will forgive p this once for straying from the path of collective righteousness because of the stress he is under due to the aforementioned election of the new czar of incompetenceville (as a and p lovingly refer to it).

everyone is incompetent in this land in some way or another: a cannot fill out pink slips nor write the simplest of documents, nor put papers in a mysterious thing known as a "file.". p refuses to leave the land he loves and voluntarily takes on every task that he comes across so that he cannot do such things as accompany a on a much needed vacation. others have other incompetencies, for example: the castro-loving commie who does not seem to wash his hair nor store information in his brain; and of course the lovely young woman who has apparently never learned what a phone is, nevermind how someone would attempt to answer it. a and p hold a special place in their large polyamourous hearts for incompetenceville, a land where all are accorded peace and dignity (except of course for the domestic violence victims, who are afforded peace, but clearly no dignity (as explained below)).

P's Nervousness

2006-01-08T12:21:00.000-08:00

After a fruitful weekend of drinking, playing with the puppy, celebrating KU's victory over Kentucky, and seeing The Boy, P has a stressful Sunday ahead of him.

See, A&P work together (doing their life's work, as previously discussed) at a small organization that is run by a bunch of unqualified students like themselves.

Now, today marks an important transitional period for this organization -- the elections for new leadership. These elections are as important, for example, as the upcoming ones in Israel. (Thankfully, the current "Prime Minister" of this organization is not having severe bleeding from the head, however.)

P is running for a position that he likes to think of as "Czar." P will know in several hours whether or not he wins this election. P is nervous. P has to give a speech. And answer questions about strange pink slips that A is incapable of filling out.

Nervousness reigns in the world of the Collective -- send positive vibes our way at about 6:40PM.

setting the record straight

2006-01-07T11:42:00.000-08:00

a is back, a fact that can be authenticated by the lack of capital letters. p briefly thought she hasd decided to abandon her calling as a blogger extraordinaire in order to sell trinkets to tourists in the great state of maine where there is lots of snow and no minorities. indeed, she did think about making such a move, but ultimately could not abandon her adoring and avowed fans. now, she would like to set some things straight as to the content of this blog:

1. katherine harris is the devils spawn. and in addition is an idiot. and in addition looks like a deformed parakeet. she deserves no dignity. a once had the opportunity to meet with her about the fate of the children (who p claims to have some sympathy for). kh stared vacantly for some time with a botox-induced smirk and then barked the words "nest egg" over and over again for the rest of the meeting, which apparently had something to do with taking away all funding for children's programs and devoting them to tax breaks for the poor rich people. a thinks that perhaps it was more because of her obsession with both nests and eggs in conformity with her true form as a devils-spawn-parakeet, which she surely turns into after dark.

2. all college sports conversations are hereby banned from the a-p collective website until further notice. though a knows this will upset many, including p, she hereby threatens to start blogging incessently about the outcome of reality television shows and teen dramas on the wb should any such conversations continue. she opens the door, however, to posts about little league or peewee hockey, both of which she finds much more interesting.

2006-01-06T05:36:00.000-08:00

I hope Jack Abramoff tells about Bruce Weber's crimes...Illinois 60, Michigan State 50. Kill me.

Kansas-Kentucky on Saturday...that is all I have left to live for. Rock Chalk.

P's Quick Dealing With James

2006-01-05T19:34:00.000-08:00

1. "Lubbuck" is not a place as far as I know. "Lubbock," Texas, however, is.
a. Learn to spell.
b. Bobby Knight is King of Lubbock and probably loves the gays.
c. Provo, Utah need not be discussed, as it is filled with those who are not accorded dignity.

3. I do not have a gambling problem. It is all lies, statistics, etc.

4. Anderson Cooper is the Ann Coulter of the moderates: stupid, babbling, and hot.

5. Katherine Harris is gorgeous. She should eat a sandwich, but she's hot.

6. Jack Abramoff is being smeared by the liberal media. (Notice that I cannot say the term "liberal media" with a straight face.)

finally, P accords much dignity to James' Seinfeld reference and his Inspector Gadget reference. Thanks, Penny.

"ARE NOT OFTEN FOUND IN WASHINGTON DC!"

A's Absence

2006-01-05T19:05:00.000-08:00

Is due to severe technology issues. Her computer is dead. Dead-dead, much like Ariel S is likely to be shortly (sigh...).

She will return, with gusto, tomorrow. Our apologies.

P is still in the cult-class (allegedly funded by J. Abramoff), and it is taking over his life.

Nevertheless, he remains dedicated to out-heteroing the heteros (to paraphrase James' comment). It is a sad day when a bunch of the gays (Anderson Cooper excepted) can out-talk and out-bet a bunch of the straights on sports...And, as we know, Yosef clearly knows nothing about sports since he is a fan of the ACC (as often discussed by this point, a terrible league and a former communist organization that has, in the last 4 years, been taken over by Al-Qaeda).

Rock chalk.

To James, To Izzo.

2006-01-05T06:26:00.000-08:00

One further note: Michigan State-Illinois tonight. P HATES Illinois (particularly Bruce Weber), and has money on Michigan St. (NB: As a general rule, P hates Tom Izzo, a nasty man, as well. However, he feels good about this game and, also, hates Bruce Weber a lot, second only to Roy Williams - i.e. Satan.)

Now, on to James' attempted defense of his attacks.

1. P's GOP does not hate his life choices, except in election years.
2. James has the bronch and has it bad. P thinks he is on his last legs, much like Ariel S. (Peace be with you, Ariel.)
3. James thinks that P has a gambling problem. This is not true, and fallacious (a new favorite word of P's).
4. James analogized himself to Anderson Cooper. Several points here:
a. This certainly supports P's claim of James' descent into failure and homsexuality, since Cooper is the King of the Gays.
b. Anderson Cooper is an idiot. If I see him breathing heavily into the microphone while telling me about another natural disaster, I will start watching MSNBC.
c. Political moderates blow. BLOW. Have some guts, believe something radical. If I was a Democrat, I'd be a Dean guy.
5. Katherine Harris is an attractive and intelligent public servant.
6. Jack Abramoff is an American hero.

Monkey's Brains, While Common In Cantonese Cuisine...

2006-01-05T05:28:00.000-08:00

Probation? My name should be shouted across the land. After all, my boys (KU) handled Yale+18.5 and THEN SOME. Then my prediction (and bet!) came through BIG (and a little bit in the clutch)....HOOK 'EM HORNS (and everyone who, like P, took Texas W/O the points, straight up, and made some good $$ last night)!

Now, as to your wonderfully generous proposal re: blogrolling. A&P will discuss it today. P doesn't mind being on probation (in fact, he kind of likes it). However, A&P are remarkably incompetent with computers and the amount of time that it might take to figure out how to post to your blog...well, our life's work might suffer as a result.

I stand by my assertion that the ACC is a terrorist organization. Anyone who supports the conference should be eavesdropped upon without judicial authorization. As punishment, they should be made to listen to audiotapes of Bill Frist giving one of his excrutiating speeches on the Senate floor...

***Dignity should also be accorded to THE BOY, as boys as boys, even though he has not posted recently. He is a recent graduate of the University of Texas, a proud Longhorn, and someone who puts up with P's shit.***

P Has Returned From The Day's Hell

2006-01-04T18:20:00.000-08:00

P is the former philosophy major (now law student) who hates the law and will be returning (sigh) to his fate (academia) shortly.

All of which means that P will end up working for some crazy think tank (read: Heritage Foundation, a former place of employment) because no legitimate academic institution would hire someone of P's radically conservative, hawkish views.

There has been a bit of revolt in the Collective's world: both against them as a unit and (apparenly) between them. P is on the defensive from attacks by James, Mormons, Pinko Punko, and (most sadly) A.

STRIKE THAT, COUNSEL! A has been supportive of P in his time of need. Will blog shortly; Rose Bowl and KU game calls.

beware the wrath of p

2006-01-04T11:14:00.000-08:00

p is on the warpath today. that is because he has been criticized by some nit-wit* who does not recognize his superior skills as an advocate (or a blogger for that matter). some people just fail to see creative genius when it smacks them across the face. beware not affording dignity to any member of the collective! in any case, james may get his wish as a result, as p is currently considering an alternate career in the biological sciences.

in addition, p continues to be sucked into the evil cult, and today could not even partake in his favorite meal, which is both very spicy AND very special. a thinks that \jack abramoff is somehow involved in funding said cult, and demands an immediate congressional investigation.

a, meanwhile, has been appointed to a very official role today which seems to mostly involve sitting in a chair and surfing the internet. both very official activities, apparently

* note that a has immunized herself against all spell-check attacks by pinko and his ilk

Oh, and one more thing!

2006-01-04T08:37:00.000-08:00

WHEN THE HELL DID WE ACCORD DIGNITY TO MORMONS?

Opening Salvo Against You All

2006-01-04T08:30:00.000-08:00

P's tired of the bitching.

P thinks that James and his bronch should move to a tourist trap town in Florida, live with a bunch of alcoholics, and begin his descent to failure and homosexuality.

P thinks that Pinko Punko is according no respect to A&P as persons as persons. That is a dangerous undertaking.

P thinks A is insane, and trying to convince herself that she did not sign her name to a right-wing manifesto that (essentially) stands for the proposition that women should not leave the home.

P thinks that Jack Abramoff is a dangerous loose cannon, and worries about the $50,000 in Marriot Reward Points that he once received from one J. Abram in exchange for his endorsement of the Federal Marriage Amendment...

P thinks Kansas plays Yale in basketball tonight. P thinks that game will be more interesting than the Rose Bowl which (PREDICTION) will be a solid TEXAS victory, despite the 7 point spread in favor of USC. P has some $$$ on Texas straight up...a seemingly dangerous undertaking (like not according respect to A&P as persons as persons) but nevertheless a potentially profitable one.

breathe a sigh of relief.

2006-01-03T18:35:00.000-08:00

the treatise has been laid to rest in the grand treatise graveyard in the sky, full of sunglasses in december. p claims that it is a right-wing minifesto, but, dear readers, when read backwards the treatise is for polyamory what marx was for communism. p did not know that a had such a talent for writing backwards. she does: writing backwards, touching her tongue to her nose, eating whole jalepeno peppers and looking quite fashionable in every sort of hat are all included in a's unto-now undisclosed talents.

a spent the evening being told by her mother that her lifes goals are all futile and meaningless. meanwhile p is engaged in some sort of evil cult. no, it is not the collective, it is another cult that involves initiation by public shame and ridicule and mandated buffet dinners designed to strip cult-members of their culinary individuality. a hopes he will escape soon.

and lets stop the complaining about the repeat posts and all just admit that it was so brilliant it is worth reading twice.

P's Concerns

2006-01-02T05:45:00.000-08:00

P was close. Damn close. So close he could taste success.

Alas, he thinks he might have been caught. It seems that, at some point yesterday evening, A began to fathom just what The Collective was arguing in their most recent publication.

See, let's take you back a few months. To begin with, there was a man with sunglasses. In October. At 7PM. Inside. But that man has already been discussed.

Nevertheless, the Sunglasses Man assigned some sort of silly academic nonsense; The Collective, as usual, ignored such assignments. When the due date for the synopsis came along, The Collective came together, decided to write in conjunction, and came up with some sort of vague topic about the domestic violence victims.

Over the course of the next month or so, P would occasionally joke (oh-so-casually) about the topic of their paper...slowly making the thesis more and more radical. P believes that A came, again slowly, to view the paper in a progressively more non-progressive manner.

So everything was functioning as it was supposed to; until last night, when (by unwisely praising the laws of Montana) P was exposed. P had forced A into an argument much more psychotic than initially agreed upon! Suddenly they were taking away benefits from women unless they signed an agreement acknowledging their incompetence and ceding all their rights to the Mormons? What!?!

Despite A's realizations and anger, P believes he may still succeed. After all, A wants to be done with the paper (remember: she hates reading and philosophical ramblings). A wants to be done badly. So the current 65 pages will either have to be re-written by Tuesday AM, or A will sign on to the current version of the paper, including P's radical ramblings.

Fingers crossed that she submits (as women are prone to do); if so, all her left-wing and/or feminist legitimacy will be gone in one fell swoop.

Ha!

P's Concerns

2006-01-02T05:43:00.000-08:00