Saturday, December 31, 2005

Happy Newest of New Years

May you all have dignity accorded to you as persons as persons in 2006.

P's Life, Explained

P at age 15: "Mom, I'm leaving. I'll be back in a week or so. Might smoke some crack, contract a few STDs, rob a bank."

Mom: "Bring a coat. It's supposed to rain."

Ahh, the British.

New Year's F-ing Eve, Dick.

Not rocking anymore, Clark. (These were my alternative options for post title.)

Grading papers. At home. By myself. On New Year's Eve. Growing up sucks, especially when you haven't matured yet...

Syriana Worth Seeing?

Comments are solicited on the subject...hate Clooney, but movie looks good.

The Evil Landlord Returns...

And he comes armed with a funny computerized-thermostat. Which means that P will most likely freeze to death this evening, alone and sad with a bottle of bourbon, papers, and C (the puppy). See, P does not understand technology. No one fathoms how the Collective began this blog, since neither of them are computer literate.

The computerized thermostat will undoubtedly be the end of P, and thus the Collective. However, he urges A to carry on, in his memory.

countdown to doom

a has spent most of her morning curled up in a ball trying to mentally prepare for the basket-weaver's convention that p, despite his invectives to the contrary, is forcing her to attend. a has four compatriots who will join her on the drive. one of them has been drinking beer since ten am. another is violently ill and can only speak in moans. this second compatriot makes a good companion for the third, who only speaks in adolescent monosyllables. the fourth and final compatriot is dreading the basket-weaver's convention almost as much as a, and may have to be tied to the car so she does not jump and run for it on the highway.

meanwhile, the ship will embark in the middle of a snowstorm. bodes well for all.

Terror in S-Ville

P's landlord is in his apartment, wandering around, doing something strange with the heating system. P is terrified of his landlord; the man is evil and sometimes yells at P's very nice roommate, E, because he gave us a bum washer/dryer and it exploded. Bad day that was.

P's landlord hates P's dog. And probably thinks it is strange that P is sitting in sweatpants and a polo shirt while drinking coffee and eating leftover Chinese food. Objectively speaking, I suppose, it is strange that P is doing those things.

A's Day Out

Contrary to her claims otherwise, A practically begged P to let her go away for the evening. Generous (and apparently weirdly controlling) as P is, he allowed her to leave for a brief, 18 hour period. She has much to look forward to, including the knitting of scarves, the putting together of puzzles, and the drinking of KoreshKoolAid. (NB: P fears that there might be Mormons on this trip.)

P will have New Years with his puppy. Literally. They will, most likely, get tanked and eat Indian food together. Oh, and grade 19 papers. When did P become an old man?

P would like to thank the Reverend for pointing out that A had (temporarily, the post was edited) revealed her name to the public. This cannot be allowed for obvious reasons. A, after all, tends to inspire Hinckley-like obsessions. Which would be fine. If it were not for stupid judges like this!

Friday, December 30, 2005

the big fight of 2005

remember how a and p were going to be in a fight? now they might really be. p is making a go to a cabin in the wilderness without him to celebrate the new year. there she will be subjected to knitting circles and basket-weaving, arguably part of a sweat-shop operation to create handicrafts that will be sold to tourists as the work of "natives".

other reasons a is mad at p include:
1. He makes fun of her for not understanding the evil blue book. for those who havent had the pleasure, it is the book to which law students look when they want to be bore themselves to a slow and painful death or for those, like p, who are masochistic in their love of inane detail.
2. He writes four page footnotes involving the philisophical ramblings of dead people. a does not like philisophical ramblings. or dead people.
3. he will not let a watch "miss congeniality", ingoring her entreaties that it is arguably the best fbi-agent-turned-beauty-pageant-winner movie ever made (with the exception, perhaps, of "miss congeniality II").
4. he works as she stares at the wall. she does NOT like it when he does work instead of providing her with entertainment. little does he know that she recently discovered that she can watch the reflection of a far-away tv in the window. it's not much, but better than the wall.
5. did i mention he's sending her away to a cabin? if her sweat-shop theory doesnt pan out, she will investigate whether or not it is actually an asylum for the insane. and scientists. and asian robots.

P's Revised Version of the Evening and P's Morning

P must clarify and qualify several of A's claims about yesterday evening:

1. The takeover of the Empire of A's Basement will not be hostile. At least not initially. At first, the takeover will simply involve P becoming intimately involved with the current Emperor of the Basement*. Then there will be some serious Brutus and Cassius (sp?) shit. Or, if you are more into the other guy, some serious Rubicon-crossing.

2. P realized after the fact (read: this morning) that the "article about how the domestic violence victims get to make their own decisions" was, actually, a law review "Note." "Note" is secret law student language for "some crap written by a stupid law student that warrants no recognition, and no dignity."

3. P sort of liked the weird science fiction movie with the Asians and the Sex. P likes science fiction (not actually likes it, but likes the idea of it) because it demonstrates what will happen to society if we continue to let scientists roam free and do as they see fit. P supports one of two options: (1) Locking all the scientists up in Azkaban or (2) Force them to work as "science teachers" in locally-controlled Kansas school districts.

4. P was very sleepy, and A did a good job putting him to bed. P also took his muscle relaxants (Mmmmm muscle relaxants) and fell asleep without putting his puppy in his crate...which resulted in P being woken up at 4:15 AM by the puppy jumping all over him. So P has been awake since 4:15 and actually greeted the man who delivers the NYTimes in the morning with a holiday gift.

5. P and A have an exciting day ahead of them. The Collective has to save some people from themselves, write 26 pages of a 40 page paper, cut P's hair, pick up P's sister's car from the shop, and begin the seduction of the Emperor.

6. On an unrelated note, P would like to apologize to those who thought that A was from Utah. Unfortunately, Utah is not the only state controlled by the Mormons. Shockingly enough, there is a small (and unfortunate in and of itself) state in the Northeast that has been taken over by Mormons. This was, of course, a hostile takeover. As we all should learn often and early, The Mormon Investment Bankers Who Plan Large Sporting Events And Flip-Flop On Abortion And The Gays are worthy opponents and must be stopped as soon as possible!

* The current emperor, "R," prefers the term "Czar of the Basement." P hates the term "Czar" because he associates it -- rightly or wrongly -- with the Russians. Or, as P prefers to call them, the "Slimy Soviets."

Thursday, December 29, 2005

a & p call it a night

what a and p did tonight:
1. plotted their hostile takeover of the empire known as a's basement.
2. relatedly, planned the outing of a's roomate ("r"). he's gay. needs to admit it. will be better for everyone involved: r gets self-actualization, p gets some ass, r's girlfriend gets a platonic life-partner, and a gets the satisfaction of having been right.
3. read an article about how the domestic violence victims get to make their own decisions. and about how the state is one big mean domestic abuser.
4. trashed this article.
5. were forced to watch a movie of scientific fiction. apparently there is lots of sex in the future. and lots of asians. and toy robots. (speaking of which, r's girlfriend is an asian toy robot. i would think it was the future, but for the lack of sex (see # 2 above)).
6. put a very sleepy p to bed. a's glad to have him back.

Let it be known throughout the land

A&P are together once again. The obsessive blogging will resume, and we hope that redemption will be accorded to us by our readers (most notably the STUDS at ThreeBulls...yes, P is obsessed with you all. Obviously.).

Alas, along with our reunion has come the return of work. Exams no just papers about our life's work (the domestic violence victims, remember?) and much alcohol.

The Collective is back. Godspeed.

Wednesday, December 28, 2005

emergency update

a and p apologize profusely, yes indeed PROFUSELY, to their adoring fans. a has been in a cold arctic wonderland of sorts, kind of like the movie narnia but with no jesus-lion. needless to say it was too cold for the functionality of electricity. and because a does not own a computer that runs on walrus-blubber, she was unable to post. p on the otherhand, was apparently too busy playing polo and drinking scotch at the estate to bother with their most important venture. could it be that a & p are in a fight??? what will this mean for the collective??? or for the fate of kantian dignity as we know it??? stay tuned, dear readers, stay tuned...

Monday, December 26, 2005

P Has Returned

From blogging-AWOLness. Due to a bad internet connection at P's family's estate (think Hyannisport and the Kennedys), he has been unavailable for some time. I am quite sure you have all noticed, and have all been quite upset.

Christmas was wonderful...even though on Christmas Eve the family had a bit of a breakdown when we realized that (in all our booze-induced merriment) we had forgotten to buy a turkey, duck, or Water Buffalo for Christmas dinner.

Thankfully, I live in a pagan state, which has open grocery stores on the day of christ's birth (This is quite unlike A's home state...which is a repressively fundamentalist regime run by Mormons and which has strictly enforced Blue Laws. In fact, I heard a rumor that the manager of Whole Foods Cambridge was getting 10 years to life for opening the store on Good Friday last year.)

I received no water buffalo for Christmas. My mother received a Llama though, which apparently went to the same poor family that got A's water buffalo. I can only pray that both Water Buffaloes and Llamas are valued in this mysterious nation.

Sunday, December 25, 2005

the gifts have been opened

a has been given several pens, socks, and a key finder that only beeps to the sound of the toilet flushing. but her favorite gift by far had something to do with a water buffalo. she could not tell at first if the water buffalo had been freed, fed, or killed. she then determined that it had been given to a poor family, she hopes that this family resides in a community where owning a water buffalo is good.

Saturday, December 24, 2005

and a very merry christmas to all our adoring (and unadoring) public!

a cannot see the keyboard.

that is because it is very dark. but she has just recieved word through a top-secret communication that p's internet connection has been suspiciously cut. this is a painful, but not deadly blow by the wiretappers against the a-p collective. they are narrowing in on us, so a must scurry away....

a hearts "jake gyllenhal"

she wants to move to montana, turn into a man, and live happily ever after with him on a testosterone-filled gay-boy ranch.

alas. because she is not a gay man and would make an abysmal cowboy, she will fulfill her domestic diva destiny today and bake ten pounds of gingerbread. she will also partake in the miricle of gluttonous spending that is christmas. but she will only shop at stores that celebrate christ -our-savior's commitment to consumerism with particularly gory depictions of the crucifiction. incidentally, her mother's office changed the name of the "holiday party" to "winter party" so as not to offend anyone whose religion (or lack thereof) did not include a holiday in december.

a would also like to note that she never learned to spell, and will thusly be lost in a phonetic wilderness without p. she hopes the transnational readership will bear with her.

Friday, December 23, 2005

The Greatest City On Earth...

Is where I am. Home, that's what I call it. Alas, being home involved being away and apart from A for 6 days. But I will deal with it. Somehow. Perhaps. If I'm lucky.

Most importantly, the reunion with the dog (yellow lab, 6 months) has gone wonderfully. He remembers me (admittedly I only left him for 7 days) and is not mad at me as I feared he would be. It appears, like his master, that he knows the appropriate role served by dignity.

Oh, and I'm being wiretapped. No question. I can hear John Ashcroft breathing on the line. It creeps me out. I wish it was Alberto; he's much less creepy. (Though unacceptably moderate.)

Court Is Cancelled...

A and P have cancelled their trip to court because P is not prepared and A no longer has to stalk Judge Gibson as she has finished with her precedent-reading and has rendered the much-awaited decision about constitutional rights. Stay tuned!

to-do list

1. a will run. she will run many many miles. she sometimes wonders what the little children in somalia who have to run 700 miles a day in their capacity as indentured servants would think of yuppie american "joggers." p will lie on the couch and try not to move his head too much. it hurts. he may arise, but only for nicotine purposes.
2. the cleaning of all cleanings: a & p will both clean like banshees. this may prove problematic since p cannot move his head and a has absolutely no idea what cleaning entails.
3. they will go to their lifes work: they will help, while oppressing and subjugating, the domestic violence victims.
4. a & p go to court. p will rant madly to the people at the filing desk, while a hunts down judge gibson and her "precedent" which she has been studying for a month in a cave of studiousness.
5. a & p will answer phone calls from crazy insane people many of whom are in prison and seeking alan dershowitz. who, notably, loves both a and p.
6. p flies away.
7. a mourns p by throwing herself into a pit of despair. her only sollace is the blogging.
8. a, if she can drag herself out of the deep pit, goes to see "jake gyllenhal" and our commander in chief get it on in montana (see post below re: genius strikes).

Down With Public Transportation!

We would like to say that we are very dissappointed in the transit workers. They are making New Yorkers go to work on Christmas Eve Eve -- and this is very inconsiderate of them.

And, as the man (please note, he was an investment banker) from the NYTimes so wisely said: "I don't support unions this time of year. This isn't the 1950s. I'd kill for the kind of pension plan they are asking for."

Thursday, December 22, 2005

Batson, redux

P: So, A, I was thinking about not striking you from the jury pool.

A: Are you fucking crazy? Your client is a poor black man who has clearly never worn a suit.

genius strikes!

You know how everyone says that George Bush is a "real cowboy type?" (Okay, no one says that except Scott McClellan. But young scott is the most important-somewhat-pudgy-man on TV.)

We digress

The A-P Collecitve believe that George should star in a movie about cowboys.

Our concept is that this movie would involve George and another person...let's call him "Jake Gyllenhall." "Jake Gyllenhall" would be hot. And young. And strapping.

This would bring popularity to George (after all, everyone loves the gays. Details says the New York Times has finally come out of the closet). And while it would be less pleasurable for "Jake Gyllenhall" then say another strapping young buck, lets call him "Heath Ledger", it would be better than a whiney little punk we'll call "Kirsten Dunst".

You thought we were done with our exams...

But no. We are not.

We now have to write a treatise (yes, dear readers, a treatise) for the man with the sunglasses on his head. See Post Below Re: Things One Of Us Loves And The Other Hates. Our topic: Domestic violence victims, like retarded people and Maggie Gallagher, are not entitled to dignity as persons as persons.

This is not to say that we don't like said victims. We love them. they are our life's work. But we feel that they should be locked up for protection while their legal decisions are being made for them.

By us. Clearly.

Is it nerdy to get drunk and blog?

A says yes, P says no. Discuss.

Moreover, can one be accorded dignity in Hawaii?? We think it is possible, though not likely.

Diet Coke and Beer...

make the world go 'round.

P and A have their favorite things and are safe and sound and happy (P says he is not so happy and has no idea what A is talking about --- A says (quite psychotically) "YES HAPPY!" and then "DAMMIT" and then "A&W NOWWWW").

P likes to order cheeseburgers. But then he only eats the bacon on top (yum) and the french fries (dipped in ranch dressing, obviously...YUM YUM).

A likes to wear sweatpants to fancy restaurants and see if she can get thrown out.

A-P Collective's waiter HATES them. (Like, of course, the devil hates holy water.) Nevertheless, we still accord all dignity as persons.

(The End)

Alcohol As A Solution

Sometimes P turns to alcohol to solve his problems; he finds it to be a Kantian solution, although others do not agree. There once was an incident with a fire pit, that wasn't so pretty (so P is told). (There was an incident that A had once...P lost her for several hours, it was in an old barn, and so it is not dicussed.) That said, tonight's problems will clearly be solved by the bottle.

Anyway, P and A are done with their exams, and all should celebrate on their behalf. Furthermore, all should mourn. That is because the A-P Collective, as of tomorrow, will be apart (alas!) for nearly 6 days!

You should not fear, however. Dignity will still be accorded, and the blogging shall not cease.

Remember the request for IV drugs?

Someone must accord dignity to that request shortly or...

I believe it is a mere matter of minutes before poor P's pituitary glands implode profusely.

a can no longer read

never mind write. and she is resorting to garamond. a level to which she had previously vowed never to stoop. life in the cave has been more fun. she misses p and hopes he will realize his genius and start breathing soon.

P Is Having Trouble Breathing...

Due to the exam's extreme oppressiveness. It is oppressive like much of academia (see below); patriarchal too.

P seeks injunctive and declaratory relief against his previously-beloved professor.

Another person approaches a bad place: not being accorded dignity as persons as persons (let alone as men!).

a's alternative uselessness

a does not like getting out of bed. or moving from the fetal position on the couch, as it were. this presents a problem in that she has a paper due in several hours. she will happily share in p's alternative career plan as her computerr is now quite portable and can be carried in her pocket as she follows p around the world. together they will create a blog-empire and bring peace and happiness to the blogosphere. that is if, after failing out of law school, a becomes capable of getting out of bed.

P's Procedural Problems

As suspected yesterday, I will be failing out of law school shortly. The test (an 8 hour take home) goes not well.

Thankfully, I have an alternative career available to me: Czar of the Blogosphere.

Several other things (while my time on this exam quickly flies away):
1. I need more coffee. Perhaps our trans-national readership can make that happen? It would be much appreciated.

2. I need beer. Or bourbon. Or beer and boubon mixed. Or IV drugs.

3. Brazil is a strangely-shaped nation. I mention that because there is a map on the wall in front of me, and I spend more time looking at the map than I do writing or thinking about my exam. (Hence the impending academic doom.)

Wednesday, December 21, 2005

suggestions for improvement for our beloved flock

while we continue to afford respect to all persons as persons, our patience is being severely tested. our current pet peeve: several members of our transnational readership allege to worship us and our blogging genius, and yet refuse to:

a) link to our wonderful site and/or
b) post comments promptly and regularly (as in hourly) and/or
c) generally adore us and make us famous.

this is not to say that these individuals cannot redeem themselves. if they did so they might reach the next level of kantian dignity: respect as persons as men

polyamory discussed, finally.

we would like to thank robert. he has brought to our attention the most important point of clarification we could seek to clarify. "only P is poly-A, A hates everyone." The beauty of the a-p collective is that they are not whole (or wholly functional) without each other. they represent the yin and yang of polyamory, for example. p loves everyone, but would like to get married and have a nice republican house and a nice republican dog and a nice republican fence. with some nice brainwashed (i mean republican) children (the only saving grace of this plan, according to a, is that the children will be african-american). a, on the other hand, disdains marriage. and fences. and certainly republicans. in theory she would be very happy on a hippy nudist polyamorous commune. however, she also disdains most people. meaning she will likely end up old and shriveled with sixteen dogs and a pickup truck and a nasty cigar habit.

thus p and a can only actualize their poly-amorous potential through each other.

Why, despite my best efforts, I may fail out of law school

Let's discuss a few things. P loves criminal procedure; he loves it! But he is not very smart anymore. He thinks that he was smart at one point; capable of writing 100+ page-long theses on complex philosophical issues and quoting extensively from Abraham Lincoln speeches as well as Shakespeare plays. Now, he can only quote Kansas basketball statistics and discuss episodes of Kiefer Sutherland's wonderful show, 24. Alas, back to the subject at hand.

P's criminal procedure professor is the smartest man on earth, without question. P adores him but does not understand the words that come out of his mouth. And thus, P will likely fail out of the very prestigious (but god-awful) institution referenced by A in our sub-title.

So, the plan for the rest of the pre-exam evening is as follows: eat stupendous Indian food (very special, very spicy, and certainly entitled to respect as persons as persons), use many post-it notes, drink cheap wine (white, as to avoid hangovers), and potentially learn what this whole "Sixth Amendment" is all about.

We thought this exchange would help with the stereotyping

P: are you people really going to try to impeach our fearless leader over this??
A: um, yeah i think so. much fun to be had!
P: (made sounds of disbelief and disgust).
A: Whatever, you people tried to impeach over a fucking blow job
P: So you get to impeach the man for defending national security????
A: Peoples constitutional rights!
P: Yeah, and the word privacy is in the constitution too.

(N.B. We now have a considerable stake in this matter, as we are currently being followed by the fbi).

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

Points of clarification

we have been bombarded with queries from our trans-national readership, and would like to take the opportunity to answer our beloved fans, and provide some clarifications that might prove helpful:

1. our favorite color is, clearly, salmon.
2. we have not, as of yet, consumated our love through the sex act, though our philosophy background teaches us that the actualization of this love can only be achieved through the procreation of a new life. hence affirming our dignity as persons as persons. polyamory, however, need not be sexual, as phyllis (so wise beyond her years) points out.
3. FRE 602 requires that a witness have "knowledge" about that which she testifies. we find this to be a RIDICULOUS requirement, leading to only boredom and misery at trial, in blogging, and in life.
4. P is forcing me to write that he wants serious legal analysts to see the bottom of the page. A happens to think that anyone who makes it all the way through the ramblings at the bottom of the page has enough free time on his/her hands so that he/she poses a serious danger to society.
5. A's favorite article of clothing is P's jacket. She does not take it off. Ever.
6. We have a fear that our computer will explode, since the battery has been known to spontaneously combust into dangerous flames. We have two to three other computers available, however, so do not worry: if this one goes down in a blaze of glory, the blogging will not cease.

a sad tale.

this is the story you've been waiting for: it started when a's bag attempted a somersault, a feat it was not designed to do. this caused a catastrophic malfunction of machinery. then the a and p collective (thank you brittish boy for the term) visited an evil pony-tailed man in a dark cave of science. it was near the hysterical specimens room, of which p and a were curious and afraid. the evil man cackled when he told a she would never get the machinery back. then they went to see a nice white rasta man with dreds. he was very nice and put a's whole computer on a little discus. meanwhile, the a-p collective had much time to explore the land of blogosphere, and buy snacks for their new friend.

then it goes on and on and involves the near killing of small children, the viewing of young love blossoming, jessica simpson, the most comfortable pillow on earth, and yet more proof that the game of golf is silly and pointless.

take home messages: a's computer is being sent to die. dreds are way better than ponytails. and people who shop at the apple store are much more attractive than people who shop at best buy.

Things That One Of Us Loves And The Other One Hates

Guess who! Appearances can be deceiving...

1. Men who wear sunglasses on top of their heads, indoors, at 7PM in December in Boston.
2. The Iraq War
3. Beef-a-roni
4. Beer
5. Running
6. The Oppression of Women
7. Scrubs - the TV show
8. Scrubs - the article of clothing for medical people (oops, scratch that, we both love those)
9. Powdered Gatorade (well, one of us doesn't hate it...just thinks it is not fit for human consumption)
10. GQ (The Magazine)
11. Buffy the Vampire Slayer (the chick, not the TV show)
12. Soda
13. Coffee
14. Judge Gibson
15. Jesus

There are things that we both hate too:
1. C-U- C-U-. Wow, we hate that/her/him/it a lot.
2. FRE 602
3. Arthur Sulzberger
4. The State of Maine
5. People who dislike the movie Cruel Intentions

If you think of other things that we both hate, or things that one of us loves and the other hates, please let us know. OH! And post your opinions as to who hates which of the things in list 1!

What the boy said...before he backtracked!

p (3:19:40 PM): But do you like our blog?
B (3:19:33 PM): umm i mean its weird
p (3:19:42 PM): :-(
B (3:19:45 PM): ive never heard A use such high brow terms
p (3:19:50 PM): A is sad. So am I.
B (3:20:32 PM): oh hush you two
p (3:20:37 PM): She says: "What? Highbrow? cause of the kantian dignity???"
p (3:20:51 PM): No, you dont like it! And it is the only thing that makes us happy.
B (3:21:08 PM): what about your BOYFRIEND
p (3:21:21 PM): I do not like him because he hates my blog.
p (3:21:26 PM): So he brings no happiness.

Do We Have A Story For You, Our Loyal Reader(s)!

We are unable to explain just this minute, but check back often, because there are many things we must relay to you (all).

Murrayization Of Our Lives

It is over, counsel. Despite P's dedication to doing so, he did not discuss bootstrapping. Sigh. Furthermore, A hates lay witnesses, whereas P thinks they are qualified to testify as to everything.

On a more important note, our blog has an immense amount of activity. People are posting comments left and right, although then deleting them. Another sigh. (However, it is our closely-held belief that Phyllis is addicted to blogging and checked our blog out of mere habit. See FRE 406 for more information.

Off to Halley and Stuntz, the two greatest people ever to teach! NB: Halley and Stuntz are entitled to respect for persons as persons.

Monday, December 19, 2005

We are concerned

We feel that our blog may not be accessible enough to our reading public. In the spirit of our blog's love for all (and kantian digninty) we would like to embrace as many into its fold (clutches?) as possible. therefore, we offer three observations which we hope will inspire some reaction (please discuss (as in, we will be deeply dissapointed and hurt if there are no comments posted when we get up tomorrow to trudge in the cold to our examination)):

1. we think that blogging, while a little self-indulgent, is the most fun we've had today.

2. we find academia to be extremely oppressive and patriarchal towards our creativity and kantian dignity.

3. other fun we had today involved a hearsay exception video that can be found at: (accessible and fun for law students and non-law-students alike)

we love phyllis

yale sucks. and so do people who have names that end with "i" when they should really end in "y". and we are happy to welcome anyone into our polyamorous community. (of course it is veeeerrrry strictly nonsexual when they are under 18.) we hate kiddy porn. p hates it especially much but cant prosecute it because he doesnt understand computers.

a & p's interesting sociological phenomenon observation:

a big straight man is jesus blowing a bubble with something that looks like a penis for hair.

Google's Big Straight Man

I would like to note that this is Google Image Search's first option for "Big straight man," which apparently is what we need (see below). What a weird choice, google.

many have asked us why we are polyamorous?

well that's not true. but if anyone read our blog maybe they would ask. our answer: because we cannot open wine bottles, we need a big straight man.

Semen, consent, and the Constitution

For an explanation of the above title, please see FRE 412. Is it M.W.'s constitutional right to support the athletic endeavors of his potentially-Mormon children? (NB: There was once a borderline pornographic picture of a blond cheerleader on this post. P made A take it down, however, as he thought it was demeaning to women. As usual, A supported the objectification and subjagation of the weaker sex.)

She cooks, cleans, and

Besides being a wacky-quack liberal (who hates my students and is going to establish a camp to train them to be brain-freezingly interesting), A also is one hell of a domestic diva.

To model the logic of one philosopher we read earlier: Since A is a domestic diva, all women must be domestic divas to fulfill and ACTUALIZE their true nature as women. Thus, women and men were destined to actualize their sexual impulses together, for the purposes of procreation, sweetness, and light. In conclusion, gays can neither marry nor have sex.

Oh yes, and we should chemically-castrate children who appear in pornography!

habit and evidence law and big nerds

p and a don't agree about habit. for example, i want to use his smoking habit to say that he has the propensity to be a foul person. he, on the other hand, would say that it is not habit because he can in fact quit. we will start a law firm where one of us argues one side and the other argues the other. we will also be the judges. we feel that this would be a much fairer style of conflict adjudication than the current jury-trial system because of the numerous pitfalls of jury trial....oh wait, we're not allowed to talk about that. but what if such a discussion just innocently showed up on a blog somewhere? we would be free to read it and post our thoughts about it, right? it's a free country, right? (long live polyamory!)

As I sit, and try to be a productive law student...

she undermines America's best interests (and probably national security too). Always remember: "When, in the res gestae category, it is said that it is the event speaking through the statement....." Whoa!

Red, White, and Polyamorous: why you want to read us

he is a gay republican. she is a wacky-quack liberal who hates liberals. and republicans. and men. and women. he loves everyone. but doesnt care about people except when they are in other countries and their rights are being trampled. they both might fail out of a very prestigious institution if they dont start studying and stop blogging to no one.

The Beginning of it All

We are not really polyamorous. Well, we are. But not in the crazy Mormon way (or in any other crazy way). So please do not contact us about weird sex circles.

P's Procedural Posturing

In the Batson line of cases, the Supreme Court has danced around the question of just whose right we are talking about protecting when an equal protection violation is alleged in respect to discriminatory use of peremptory challenges in jury selection. The Court has continued to claim that the right, at least in part, belongs to the struck-juror, rather than the defendant. Some have argued (Pamela Karlan, for example) that focusing on the rights of the juror allows the Court to avoid answering the toughest (and most uncomfortable) question of all: does one's gender or race matter in terms of one's service as a juror?

If the juror's right is being violated, the Court need not engage in a prejudice/error analysis but can simply require reversal upon the finding of a Batson violation. If forced to look at the prejudice question, however, the Court would be placed in the awkward position of declaring that black jurors judge differently than white jurors, that female jurors judge differently than male jurors. Yet the law's alleged aversion to such stereotyping is exactly what makes Batson violations apparently constitutionally-untenable in the first place.

Though I loathe to quote her (lest anyone believe that I find the woman to be a reasonable, intelligent justice), Sandra Day seems to have the right idea here: "We know that like race, gender matters. . . . one need not be a sexist to share the intuition that in certain cases a person's gender and resulting life experience will be relevant to her view of the case. . . . But to say that gender makes no difference as a matter of law is not to say that gender makes no difference as a matter of fact. I previously have said with regard to Batson: 'That the Court will not tolerate prosecutors' racially discriminatory use of the peremptory challenge, in effect, is a special rule of relevance, a statement about what this Nation stands for, rather than a statement of fact.'" J.E.B. v. Alabama ex rel T.B. (O'Connor, J., concurring).

Such honesty about what is going on, even if jurisprudentially misguided, refreshes this law student's pituitary glands.

The Court, if it must continue to insist that Batson doctrine is constitutionally mandated by the Equal Protection Clause of the 14th Amendment, should also acknowledge the fallacy behind the doctrine and engage in a substantive prejudice analysis which admits that being black, male, female, white, or hispanic, affects one's service as a juror and, perhaps, the outcome of the case. Since the Court has long abandoned the idea that the jury right belongs to the jurors rather than to the defendant (see Patton), it also ought to speak frankly about what it is doing. The "equal protection" claim found in Batson is the defendant's and the defendant's alone; as such, reversal need not be presumed since a prejudice analysis would be feasible, beneficial and intellectually honest.

(It would also, incidentally, allay the fears of many pro-defendant scholars who worry that Batson jurisprudence, by requiring reversal, has the practical result of encouraging appellate courts to search for ways to dismiss seemingly-strong Batson claims in order to avoid the dramatic step that is the reversal of a conviction.)